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August 14, 2015

The 2015 Broadway University Entrance Exam

You certainly need many bodies to write, direct, design, produce and perform a musical. Perhaps that’s why so many lyricists cite the human body in their lyrics.

All right, maybe not. But there is an amazing number of body parts included in lyrics from Broadway AND off-Broadway musicals. Here are 50 selections that date from 1929 to 2015, all arranged chronologically to make your task easier in identifying them.

Just use your noggin, as the three Hobson sisters urged in WALKING HAPPY, and you may well be admitted into the freshman class at Broadway University.

All tests are due on Tuesday, Sept. 1 at 11:59 p.m. Submit to

1. “You’ll get a pain and ruin your tum-tum.”

2. “They made me say ‘Ah’ and told me to grunt; examined my back, examined my front.”

3. “His fingernails have never looked so clean.”

4. “The day we drink our drinkie up but with the little pinky up.”

5. “But stiff back or stiff knees, you stand straight at Tiff’ny’s.”

6. “You call a lady’s chest a chest instead of her points of interest.”

7. “We were dancing, and her eyelash blinked on my lash.”

8. “And your heart and soul are what I came for.”

9. “And this little piggy is the littlest little piggy, but the big son-of-a-bitch hurts the most.”

10. “My sister has a mustache.”

11. “If I stumbled and I busted my whatchamacallit.”

12. “They’ll get splinters in their little fannies.”

13. “Grind your behind till you’re banned.”

14. “You should hear him tell the way I swept him off his big flat feet.”

15. “And that contraption she calls her nose.”

16. “I’m a little bit short of the elbow room but let me get me some.”

17. “Heck! You’re stepping on my neck!”

18. “Ribs I should be cracking, eyes to gouge and booty to divide.”

19. “When a girl’s incidentals are no bigger than two lentils.”

20. “Each time that a critic has written your voice is the voice of a frog.”

21. “When I had a man, my figure was boyish and flat.”

22. “I have such a sweet tooth when it comes to love.”

23. “Watch her pucker those red-hot Tangee lips.”

24. “Incredible results! Hey, look -- I got a pulse!”

25. “First you’re another sloe-eyed vamp.”

26. “In secret rooms, I tiptoe barefoot over naked bazooms.”

27. “What thinks my fabulous gal of my alimentary canal?”

28. “There are mouths to be kissed before mouths to be fed.”

29. “And let me lubricate my mind. And let me lubricate my mind. And let me lubricate my mind.”

30. “But it’s the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane.”

31. “That’s no great physique. Lord knows he ain’t got the smarts.”

32. “Got the bingo-bongos done.”

33. “With or without his privates?”

34. “I strap on my fake boobs again.”

35. “If my bust was smaller.”

36. “Presenting now that comedy master. That singular grin above that double chin.”

37. “There’s a lump on her rump.”

38. “I wanna see the bald spot.”

39. “No more crows’ feet, no more flab. No more love handles to grab.”

40. “In that little town of Bethlehem we raise our glass – you bet your ass.”

41. “You won’t be disappointed. I’m also double-jointed.”

42. “I can imagine me with you, but I don’t have the guts to follow through.”

43. “Her legs were built to drive men mad -- and she did.”

44. “And that’s a bonus, ‘cause when you’re swinging your cojones you’ll show ‘em what testosterone is.”

45. “Don’t believe a word of my mother, interfering pain in the can.”

46. “‘Cause my day’s at the piano with my teacher and her breasts.”

47. “Straighten the spine. Smile for the neighbors.”

48. “What if she never nails my tongue to the bathroom floor?”

49. “Imagine that your brain is made of tiny boxes.”

50. “Don’t be a penis. The man is a genius.”

(And let’s see how many of you are geniuses, too!)

         — Peter Filichia



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