THE BROADWAY BUNION
Did you see that someone took the trouble to put every one of the issues of BROADWAY BUNION on line? Do you remember this venerable tabloid whose motto was “All of the Rialto at your feet”? When you surf through its pages, you may be taken with other stories, but these were the ones that intrigued me the most.
NOTED DIRECTOR-CHOREOGRAPHER FIRED FROM NEW MUSICAL ON SECOND DAY OF REHEARSAL. New stager dismisses all eight chorus members; hires Sheila, Connie, Bebe, Don, Greg, Maggie, Al and Kristine.
DOWN-AND-OUT CAT REHABILITATED. Grizabella returns, looks like a million; says she looks forward to the second of her nine lives.
NEW RUSSIAN IMMIGRANT WINS IRISH SWEEPSTAKES. Tevye Cohen sudden multi-millionaire after first day in America.
AUTOPSY: BOY ACTUALLY WAS GIRL. Remains of Peter Pan after half-eaten by crocodile let doctors discover “his” secret. Says Lost Boy, “Croc tracked him down by seeing his – um, her shadow. He – she -- should have never sewn it back on, for it made him too easy to be detected.”
GERMAN TEENS ELECTROCUTED. “They never should have stolen those early prototype microphones from my lab,” says inventor. “They should have just sung what they had to say without them.”
TEEN GANG MEMBER PRESUMED DEAD SURVIVES. Polish-American prematurely pronounced dead by Puerto-Rican girlfriend.
SCIENTIFIC STUDY REVEALS MOST WELL-RESTED PLACE ON EARTH. Residents of Brigadoon brag “We’re never tired, even after a hard day on MacConnachy Square.”
PRINCESS SUSPECTED OF REGICIDE. Winnifred admits Sextimus “drove me crazy after he had his voice restored” but denies dropping barbell on his head.
JUDGE WILSON CHANGES MIND. American colonies to remain under George III.
FORMER TEEN IDOL IN HIDING FINALLY FOUND. Conrad Birdie now discovered as Mayor C.B. Townsend of Bent Junction, Arizona.
NEW ENGLAND COUPLE’S RECORD-SETTING DIVORCE. Fish magnate to pay millions to ex in alimony and child support for fleet of 16 kids.
FORMER POLICE INSPECTOR SWIMS ENGLISH CHANNEL. Javert says “il n’était pas difficile” once he breast-stroked his way through the entire Seine after botched suicide attempt.
MURDERED MAN’S RELATIVES GET JUSTICE AT SECOND TRIAL. Okla judge rules Curly too hastily exonerated; gives him 25-to-life.
MOVE OVER, SYBIL; MANY PERSONALITY DISORDERS DISCOVERED IN URBAN PLANNER. Specialists stymied if woman is actually Elizabeth, Beth, Liz, Betty, Betsy, Lizzie, Liza, Eliza or Bubeleh.
NURSE BREAKS ENGAGEMENT WITH PLANTATION OWNER. “After a night’s sleep,” says Forbush, “I decided he should have told me he had two kids before he proposed.”
PEGGY SAWYER OUT OF “PRETTY LADY.” Understudy Gertrude Slescynski accidentally tripped her, broke her leg; Slescynski takes over tonight.
GOD DEMANDS DOZENS OF RETROACTIVE TONY AWARDS. Says He’s the One who provided “sound design” before electronics took over.
KING DEPORTS TEACHER. Chulalongkorn says Leonowens “killed my father” and won’t risk “killing, humiliation, second-guessing, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.”
BEGGAR FINDS NEW GIRLFRIEND. Porgy says it happened en route to finding Bess: “New one saved me a long trip. You know how far away New York is from Catfish Row? And on a goat cart? Are you kiddin’ me?”
FAMOUS EATERY BURNS TO THE GROUND. “Now Smokey Joe’s Café is really smoky,” says arson suspect/employee.
MUSICAL’S BIGGEST FAN GETS CD PLAYER. Says Man, “At last I’ve entered the eighties!” First purchase: cast album of “Drowsy Chaperone.”
VAUDEVILLE HEADLINERS STAB EACH OTHER TO DEATH. Witness says catfight between Hart and Kelly escalated quickly; last words from each: “You had it comin’!”
MADAME ARCATI COMMUNICATES WITH DRAG QUEEN. Medium happy that she could send Angel Schunard back to friends precisely one Christmas after he’d met them.
NOVELIST DIVORCES FOR FIFTH TIME. Jamie Wallerstein: “Never should have dumped Cathy Hiatt,” now realizes “The one who loves you before you’re rich and famous is the only one worth loving.”
MEXICAN MINER JUDGED INSANE IN COURT. Jury couldn’t get past Julio Valveras’ insistence that he talks to the trees, tho all agreed trees didn’t listen to him. Prosecutors cited 16th century case where La Mancha resident proclaimed unbalanced from calling a barber’s metal bowl a “golden helmet.”
FIVE-STAR MILITARY MAN HONORED AT RETIREMENT DINNER. General Berger tells of humble roots as a hippie ‘til he saw “way cool monetary benefits veterans got.”
INSURANCE MONEY THIEF APPREHENDED. Police find Bobo Jones only hours after Younger family reports theft; all but $2.32 intact.
FORTY-THREE LONG-LOST 1971-72 TONY BALLOTS SUDDENLY FOUND. “Two Gentlemen of Verona” stripped of Best Musical prize; “Follies” now declared winner.
DNA TEST REVEALS HEIR APPARENT APPARENTLY NOT THE HEIR. Bill Snibson and Sally Smith evicted from Hareford Castle; say they don’t care cuz they have each other.
SIGHTINGS OF DEAD WITCH CLAIMED. Many insist they’ve seen Elphaba alive. “Gotta be she,” say many. “How many green people are there out there?”
SEAGRAMS’ RECEPTIONIST CELEBRATES 45TH ANNIVERSARY ON THE JOB. Former taxi dancer Helene Kaskowitz says she’s still “very happy with nine-to-five, her own typewriter (Underwood!), office parties and coffee breaks.”
NOTED ACTRESS GETS BREAST REDUCTION. “Although I only had to deal with those enormous things from the evening news to ‘The Late, Late Show,’” says Passionella, “they wore me down every night.”
PENIS TRANSPLANT A SUCCESS. A guilty Tommy Gnosis says it’s least he can do for the ex whose heart he broke.
CHILD GETS NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN SKIN DISEASE. “Guess I should have showered after getting out of Mr. Wolf,” says Red Riding Hood.
WINTER GARDEN TO GET NEW NAME. Shuberts sell naming rights to Kaopectate.
RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL STAGE COLLAPSES. Disaster occurs after 162 producers trot up to accept Best Musical Tony Award.
And finally, one whose headline at least could apply to plenty of people:
RIGHT-WING CRUSADER ARRESTED FOR LEWDNESS IN GAY BAR. Sheriff Ed Earl Dodd says “not surprised” to see Melvin P. Thorpe in threesome with bodybuilder and Chihuahua.
— Peter Filichia